Manda's Meanderings

Text Fail Part II

2012-01-25T15:15:00.003-07:00

Note to self: Do ever ask Doug to pick up a set of false eyelashes for you EVER again.

Bathing Beauty II

2012-01-19T17:55:00.002-07:00

Tonight marked the first time I had to tell Riley to stop grabbing his junk while taking a bath. If he is anything like his father it certainly won't be the last.

Crazy Cleaning Lady

2012-01-17T06:28:00.002-07:00

There are people that enjoy the smell of cleanliness and then there is batshit crazy me.

I travel with a can of febreze wherever I go.

Always in my purse.

Easily in reach.

Forever refreshing.

Moustache Mania

2012-01-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

My coworker gave me this picture as part of my Christmas present and one day for whatever reason, I brought it home from work.

Doug took one look at it sitting on our kitchen island, didn't even bat an eye and said, "Oh, did you bring this home to hang it in the hall?"

Sure did. Right next to our wedding photo and Riley's newborn shots.

Pissy Parent

2012-01-09T15:06:00.010-07:00

As I have previously mentioned, whenever Doug gets pissed at something you had better take note and this past Saturday was certainly no exception to that rule.

We were parking in order to grab a quick bite to eat and out of all of the available parking spots, Doug selected this spot in order to teach the drive of this Caddy a lesson. He couldn't believe that someone would park their car like that and not fix it after seeing what a terrible job they did.

While Doug was ranting away at this guy's parking, I got out to take photos because I was sure this a-hole was going to hit my car.

We then proceed into the restaurant, which was packed, and immediately see this little old couple dining in the bar area.

"Amanda, I am going to move the car, " Doug said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I am sure that little old couple owns the car and of course they couldn't control their parking, and now I feel bad, " Doug replied.

So I sit there and wait for our table and wait for Doug to come back. Ten minutes go by and still no table and still no Doug. He finally comes back obviously further agitated and now holding a piece of crumpled paper in his hands.

"Did you get lost?" I asked.

He then proceeds to hand me said piece of paper.

"You know, " Doug started to explain. "I moved our car and then started thinking about it and they should have been more considerate about their parking. So I decided to write them a quick note and by the time I found paper and went to put it on their windshield they had already left. And you know what makes me even more mad? It wasn't even the old couple -- it was like a family of eight."

Way to go baby! Doug -- Changing the world one strongly worded letter at at a time.

The note in all its glory reads, "Nice parking, please for the sake of us with babies + equipment be more courteous. Thanks, Doug."

Advice from an A$$munch

2012-01-05T17:33:00.005-07:00

I am going to be honest and say that I am pretty sure my vagina wouldn't be able to handle another round of birthing. I have even started to have PTSD flashbacks now that we are nearing Riley's first birthday and the lovely anniversary of his birth. I might need to up the dose of my meds just so I can get through the next month.

Having all these flashbacks has reminded me of all the crazy things people will say to you when you are pregnant. After you have the kid you are just another parent with an obnoxious child, but when you are pregnant, people feel the need to scold you for all the things you are doing wrong and then proceed to tell you all of their horrible labor and delivery stories.

When Doug and I were going in for my first trimester screening, our ultrasound technician was one of these people. She started the appointment off nice enough but as she continued to check on Riley's development she was getting flustered with how much he was moving around.

"You don't feel him kicking you?" she asked over and over again.

In the back of my mind I was thinking that he was probably the size of a damn lemon at this point in the pregnancy and how the hell would I feel that already? I shook my head no in response and hoped she would finish up soon.

"Are you having crazy cravings?" she asked.

"Sure aren't," I replied.

"Are you eating a ton of sugar? He is just so active. You must be eating a ton of sugar," she said.

"Not really," I responded. "I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and that was about it."

"Ohhhhhhh, that's it then," she explained. "It's the jelly."

I looked at her as if she had lost her damn mind. There are crackheads out there having babies and I am pretty sure my pb&j sandwich wasn't contributing to Riley's high level of activity in the womb.

Thanks for the diet tips bitch.

Lonestar State of Mind

2012-01-04T17:44:00.001-07:00

There are people that like their state and there are people that love their state.

When Doug hung this bad boy up over our piano, he moved into the latter category.

Hubby Hang-Ups

2012-01-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

"He could hit the hookah."

Doug

Re: Christmas tradition for Riley

There are several reasons that Doug and I no longer do the New Year's resolution song and dance. This photo is the reason at the top of that list.

A few years ago Doug told me that his New Year's resolution was to do something romantic for me every single day of the year. That endeavor lasted until January 7.

For the first seven days of that year I would come across little notes that Doug had left for me. Some were in my car, others were under my pillow, and the note above was found in my jewelry box.

I truly wondered how long Doug would be able to keep this up and on the morning of January 10 I got my answer. For two whole days nothing happened and I didn't really want to say anything to Doug about it, but my curiosity got the better of me.

I finally asked him what was up and he had a total look of surprise on his face.

"I unloaded the dishwasher yesterday and made the bed today," Doug explained.

Oh that's right I thought to myself. Evidently doing normal adult responsibilities is now considered "being romantic." So glad that we got that confusion cleared right up.

Can we consider my cleaning the toilet as foreplay then?

*sigh*

Up Close and Personal

2012-01-02T16:46:00.006-07:00

"Don't look at my sexiness."

Doug

Re: Cause that's what I was doing.

Doug and I decided to go skiing on New Year's Eve Eve since we are old now and don't actually celebrate NYE any more. It had been two years since I had last been skiing so I had a lot of fears of the darn chair lift. Evidently those fears were all in vain as the below photo will attest to.

This is Will.

I do not know Will.

Will thought we were on our honeymoon.

Will really wanted to be in the photo.

Will is touching my left boob.

Doug is oblivious to all of this.

New Year's Nuptial

2011-12-31T11:09:00.003-07:00

My New Year's resolution for 2012 is that Doug can no longer be responsible for his own self-grooming.

Stranger Danger

2011-12-21T05:52:00.001-07:00

"You're so protective of her."

Doug

Re: Siri

Regardless of where you live, jerks like this are a dime a dozen. I drove by this house for weeks before I finally insisted that Doug pull over so I could take a photo. If these were my neighbors I would have to add the HOA to my speed dial. How about you just fix the damn wall instead of posting some passive aggressive note that isn't going to accomplish a damn thing?

Frozen Festival

2011-12-20T19:17:00.005-07:00

"Hudson is the Justin Timberlake of dogs."

Doug

Re: Pomeranian that is bringing sexy back

The past couple of weeks, Albuquerque has been hit with some doozy snowstorms. What I mean by that is the city has no funds to plow the roads so it really is every man for himself.

Since Doug and I don't believe in purchasing snow shovels and the like, our front entryway is starting to look like a giant glacier. This morning was no exception. As I was walking out the door Doug says to me, "Be careful out there, it's slippery." I thank him for the warning and go on about my way. As I walk to the car I hit a patch of ice and begin to flail my arms in an attempt to prevent a giant fall. I am able to return to an upright position and immediately get into my car. My phone starts to ring and I see that it is Doug so I answer it by putting him on speakerphone.

"Hello," I say into my phone.

And Doug replies with, "I told you it was slippery."

Thanks for being a creepster and watching your wife through the peephole totally making an ass out of herself.

12 Dougs of Christmas

2011-12-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

12 Dougs of Christmas

On the first Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

A teething bouncing baby.

On the second Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the third Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

3 terms of endearment (dragonfly, firefly & ladybug)

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the fourth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the fifth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the sixth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the seventh Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

7 pumps of hand soap (lil’ OCD never hurt anybody)

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the eighth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

8 happenin’ hobbies

7 pumps of hand soap

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the ninth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

9 bodacious bow ties

8 happenin’ hobbies

7 pumps of hand soap

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the tenth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

10 months of messes

9 bodacious bow ties

8 happenin’ hobbies

7 pumps of hand soap

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the eleventh Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

11 hours wasted (videotaper)

10 months of messes

9 bodacious bow ties

8 happenin’ hobbies

7 pumps of hand soap

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

On the twelfth Doug of Christmas my true love gave to me

12-pack of Shiner

11 hours wasted

10 months of messes

9 bodacious bow ties

8 happenin’ hobbies

7 pumps of hand soap

6 baby proofing blunders

5 Big Ball Beads

4 pearl snap polos

3 terms of endearment

2 pesky pooches

And a teething bouncing baby.

Merry Messes

2011-12-14T08:12:00.011-07:00

For ten long months I have come home from work to find Riley's jammies on the floor of his nursery.

Every day for ten months.

I am not sure if Doug thought the Laundry Fairy was picking this shit up and magically putting it into the laundry hamper, but I never said a thing. The more I stewed the more it started to drive me crazy.

I finally said something and the following day I came home to this:

I am going to consider this progress.

Lyrical Loser

2011-12-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

I have always had a hard time dealing with my friend’s bad relationships and unfortunately, I have lost many a friendship that way. If you date a loser don’t come complaining to me about it cause you honestly won’t want to hear what I have to say.

One of my dearest friends growing up kept a loser around for far too long. In my attempt to open her eyes I wrote out the song lyrics to Kim Wilde’s 1986 remake of You Keep Me Hangin' On. What the hell I thought that would accomplish is anyone’s guess.

Here are the lyrics and video:

Set me free, why don't you babe?
get out my life, why don't you babe?
'cause you don't really love me
you just keep me hanging on

Set me free, why don't you babe?
get out my life, why don't you babe?
'cause you don't really need me
but you keep me hanging on

Why do you keep a-comin' around
playing with my heart
why don't you get out of my life
and let me make a brand new start
let me get over you
the way you've gotten over me, yeah

Set me free, why don't you babe?
get out my life, why don't you babe?
'cause you don't really love me
you just keep me hanging on
now you don't really need me
you just keep me hanging on

You say although we broke
you still just wanna be friends
but how can we still be friends
when seeing you only breaks my heart again
and there ain't nothing I can do about it...

Get out, get out of my life
and let me sleep at night
'cause you don't really love me
you just keep me hanging on

You say you still care for me
but your heart and soul needs to be free
now that you've got your freedom
you wanna still hold on to me
you don't want me for yourself
so let me find somebody else

Why don't you be a man about it and set me free
now you don't care a thing about me
you're just using me
get out, get out of my life
and let me sleep at night
'cause you don't really love me
you just keep me hanging on

'Cause you don't really need me
you just keep me hanging on

Christmas Cheer or Sneer?

2011-12-12T08:14:00.003-07:00

If Christmas cards are a popularity contest, Doug and I are losing.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-09T09:50:00.003-07:00

This is what the holidays are all about.

I don't care that I will spend all my money on presents that will be discarded after six months.

I don't care that it took me three days to decorate.

I don't care that our electricity bill is going to be out of control.

I don't care that the cat drinks from the tree stand.

I don't care that Riley will not remember any of this because I will remember every single detail.

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

2011-12-05T17:32:00.004-07:00

I have lived in a coldish climate for over ten years now, and I adamantly refuse to buy crap needed for Winter weather. In Boston I would dig my car out with a colander, and living in New Mexico shouldn't be any different. Have an icy doorstep? I have found this always works in a pinch.

Mason Merriment Part II

2011-12-03T17:15:00.004-07:00

The other day I jokingly told Doug that I wanted this nightgown for Christmas.

He replied with, "Well it's not much different from what you wear now."

Point well taken sir.

Score:

Doug: 1

Me: Giant goose egg

Bosom Buddies III

2011-12-01T11:19:00.013-07:00

Dear Sommer:

The further I dive into the last year's of your life, the harder it is for me to not be angry with you. I remember you a certain way, and yet everything I read states that you were a drug addict with no regard for yourself or the others around you. I absolutely refuse to accept that.

This week I was able to get in touch with a few more people from your past. I have been writing to Gabriel's sister and hoping to get some answers from her. She told me that people were not responding to me because it was still too hurtful to talk about and that I shouldn't take it personal. I am beginning to wonder though if they aren't talking to me about it because they knew you were spiraling out of control and they weren't doing a damn thing to help you. Guilt can do funny things to people.

I was also able to find Gabriel's mom on Facebook and saw some photos of your children. They are absolutely beautiful and judging by the very large family they are a part of, I am sure they are quite loved and doing very well. Your son must be around eight or nine now and your daughter maybe six or seven. She had to have been a baby when you passed away. My hope is that she is only told good things about you and not the bad.

I also spoke briefly to Jeannie, your foster mom, and she told me a much different story as to why you were taken from her home. I remember you telling all of us that Jeannie didn't want you any more and that you felt like you were tossed aside. Did you know that your parents reported her to CPS for abuse and treating you like a slave? Was this part of their master plan in order to get you and Ladonna back? As people, were they that manipulative? I found that in California when parents lose their kids, they have six years in order to be able to get them back. Surely your parents were approaching this limit and were willing to go to great lengths in order to get you back in their home. Evidently that was the nail in your coffin.

I am having a hard time accepting that there are people out there that have answers for me and yet, they are unwilling to talk to me about your life. I have even sent them links to my blog in order to show them that I am just trying to tell your story, but no takers thus far.

Imagine my surprise though when I can home from work today and saw that Ricky had written me back from prison. I was elated because finally someone was getting back to me, but then I have to remind myself that he is a convicted felon and that his side of the story may be way different from the truth.

Once I started reading I discovered that the old Sommer was in fact buried deep below the drugs. He said you were an amazing mother, that you loved to dance and that you may have mentioned me from time to time. I want to believe that, but considering the source, I highly doubt it.

He did mention that your best friend was the mother of his son. I am hoping that she holds the answers to all of my questions. Ricky said that after your death she has pretty much disappeared so I am hoping to get her name and start the search. Maybe she will be able to share with me why you chose the path that you did.

Even though Ricky asked me to send him a picture of myself (hello creepster), I am going to write him (sans photo of course). He is the only one willing to talk, and even though he might not be telling me the entire truth, I am getting snippets of your life. I now know what type of car you drove, I know where you worked, and that humanizes you again for me. You aren't an addict -- you were a mother, a girlfriend, a best friend and a sister.

Love you Sommer Bummer.

Mandy

The link to the criminal complaint

http://www.ziddu.com/download/17631365/criminalcomplaint.pdf.html

Heedless Hubby

2011-11-30T17:47:00.003-07:00

Doug asks me every single time I wear this shirt if it is new. Every. Single. Time.

I have owned it for over three years and there are pictures of us together where I am even wearing the damn thing.

He is either doing this because he knows it pisses me off or he is being a total boy. Probably both.

He's the Reason for the Season

2011-11-28T07:34:00.006-07:00

"Just because you didn't come out of my birth canal doesn't mean I cannot soothe you."

Doug

Re: Fussy R-Dub

After weighing our options in Amarillo, Doug decided to refuel at this particular truck stop.

Bosom Buddies Part II

2011-11-22T15:08:00.009-07:00

Dear Sommer:

Hi. It’s me again. I haven’t been able to sleep since finding out the news of your death, so I decided to use that time in order to research as much as I can about the last years of your life.

The first thing I did was reach out to Ladonna again and I still have had no luck hearing back from her. I am sure that she is not only struggling with losing you, but like me, she is having a hard time accepting the fact that your memory is forever going to be tainted by the means of your death.

The second thing I did was write a letter to Richard “Ricky” Running in prison. Crazy, right? Not sure what I expect a convicted drug dealer to tell me, but I am hoping he knew something

about you since it seems that he supplied you with drugs for years. Hopefully the 2.5 years he has spent in prison out of a 12 year sentence has provided him with some hindsight into his life.

The third thing I did was order a copy of the criminal complaint that was filed against Ricky. It was heartbreaking to read and I have probably read over it about 35 times by now. You certainly went to great lengths to mask the pain that you obviously were feeling. Snorting a couple pills of methadone didn’t do the trick so you spent $50 with Ricky and snorted an additional seven pills. I wonder if you were even aware of what you were doing after the third pill.

You neighbor, Carrie Worsham, was nice enough to watch your kids for you while you “partied”, but instead of calling the police when she returned them to you, she just hung out in the apartment for a few more hours in order to make sure everything was okay. If only she had picked up the phone and dialed 911. For the rest of her life she will have to live with the fact that while she did protect your children that night, she certainly didn’t protect you. What kinds of friends were you surrounding yourself with that would know you were cracked out of your mind and not call for help? It seems the weight of her guilt has weighed heavy since she now has a record to call her very own too.

It also ripped my heart further open to know that your parents were in the room when you placed your drug order and they did absolutely nothing to stop it. To be honest though, they were drug addicts themselves and were probably just worried about their next fix. Not realizing at the time that the next fix would be your last.

I still have a hard time shaking the fact that when your boyfriend woke up the next morning you were already gone. I will forever wonder if you were able to find peace in the last moments of your life. I hope and pray that you are at least at peace now.

The news continues to be grim the further I dig into your story. It appears that your sister Tonya was diagnosed with cancer around the time of your death, and that your mom passed away six months after you.

I still have several more years to figure out and won’t rest until I do.

Your Ketchup Sister Forever,

Mandy

Honey I'm Hungry!

2011-11-21T13:46:00.004-07:00

This is Doug's idea of what "Hey can you get me a bag of rice cakes" means:

Parking Problemo

2011-11-20T16:24:00.006-07:00

Doug's exact words after pulling into this parking spot:

"I wanted to park in the shade."

Sure you did.

Bosom Buddies

2011-11-19T08:05:00.009-07:00

Dear Sommer:

Hello long lost friend. I have thought of you so often over the last 10 years and after the last couple of days I cannot seem to get you out of my mind.

I remember fondly that day back in 1990 when I came home from school and my mom let me know that our friends down the street were fostering you and your sister. I ran down there right away to meet you and little did I know you would become one of the closest friends that I have ever had.

Over the years we had our squabbles as most young girls do, but the good times far out weighed the bad. Like the time that we became ketchup sisters because we were too scared to cut ourselves and become actual blood sisters. I cannot watch Steel Magnolias to this day without remembering how every single time we watched it we would bawl hysterically and keep repeating our favorite line from the movie, "That is one ugly dog, what kind of dog is that?"

Puberty set in and a slight divide seemed to get in between the middle of us. You were blossoming into this beautiful young lady and your confidence was awe-inspiring. It would take me several more years before I was able to hold my head up high like you did.

There were so many fond memories shared between the two of us and then in the summer of 1995 you went back to live with your real parents and I guess that became the beginning of the end between us.

From what I remember you were a drug baby born with a heart murmur and born to parents who loved their drug habit more then their own children. There was a lot that you shared with me about your past and unfortunately many of those memories were lost as the years went by. I always wondered how the state of California gave you and your sister back to your parents and I guess I will never find out.

Over the next year we saw you from time to time. I believe you were being home schooled our junior year of high school and were working at the Auntie Annie's pretzel shop. I remember when we surprised you at the mall and I could tell that you were embarrassed that we saw you working instead of being at school and also embarrassed by your drastic weight gain. Your weight gain scared the life out of me. Something was obviously not going well that could explain the 50+ pounds that were added to your frame. I tried to ask you about it, but your feelings were way hurt and that caused a much larger divide between the two of us.

Then senior year was underway and I remembering reaching out to you a few more times. I wanted to tell you about my first love and hopes for the future so I drove down to the city you were living in and called you from a pay phone begging you to let me come over to your house. It took about 45 mins to convince you to let me in, and I wish I would have looked around and attempted to see some clues as to why you wouldn't want to see me. That was the last time I would ever see you and if I would have known that I am sure I would have hugged you a little longer, told you how worried I was about you, and that I loved you still like a real sister.

We lost touch after that and for years I held out hope that we would reconnect. At my wedding in 2007 some of our high school friends even commented on how we were sure that we would come across you some day and we couldn't wait for that to happen.

With the onslaught of social media I was sure I was going to find you. I remember seeing you for a time on Classmates.com and saw that you were married and I hoped that you were finally enjoying the happiness that you so much deserved. Years after looking for you and Ladonna I was finally able to find her on Facebook and I posted a comment on her wall right away. I asked how you were doing and imagine the devastation I felt when someone commented that you had passed away in 2005 and you were missed greatly.

The bottom of my heart gave way when I realized that you and I were never going to rekindle that amazing friendship. After much research I found that you had OD'ed on March 25, 2005 and it was nearly impossible for me to put my brain around the fact that you

had gone down the same road as your parents. I remember as a kid you despised drugs and everything about them and I can only imagine what must have led you down that path. I found the mugshot of the man that pleaded no contest to your homicide and a thousand questions formed in my mind.

I started conversing with the man in Wisconsin that told me you had died just so I could get every single detail of what happened. Evidently Richard Running II was your friend's boyfriend and he was the dealer that supplied you with that lethal dose of methadone. He was finally arrested in 2008 and is hopefully going to spend a long time in jail thinking about the life he helped to end. I cannot stop wondering if you thought he was a real friend and if you were scared or if you felt alone that cold night in March.

Your sister isn't getting back to me, and honestly I don't blame her, but I have reached out to several people in your past in hopes of unlocking the secrets of your life from 1998 up until your death in 2005. I cannot help but feel responsible for what was to become a rough road for you. I just wish that we hadn't lost touch.

It's now my mission to do everything I can so that people will not forget the person that you were. The guy in Wisconsin told me that you have two children, Hayden and Gabriella. I wonder if they look like you and have your huge dimples and beautiful green eyes. You touched so many people's lives and you will forever be missed.

I love you and miss you tremendously.

Love,

Mandy

Swaying the Stork

2011-11-16T17:49:00.006-07:00

The next time I decide to push a baby out of my vagina I am going to do the following:

cut a midwife if she even attempts to approach me or the vajayjay.
immediately after delivering take a sleeping pill and wake up some time two days later.
freak the hell out when the cleaning lady thinks it's apropos to clean the bathroom at 11 at night.
bring a paci because who really cares about nipple confusion at this point?
find a hospital with a nursery cause the "rooming-in" crap is for the birds.

No Means No

2011-11-15T18:19:00.006-07:00

Baby Center was nice enough to email me last week letting me know what is appropriate to say to babies when disciplining them. Something about them not reacting to "No! No! No!" Instead they recommend that you say in a firm but not panicked voice "Not for Riley."

Seeing that our baby-proofing has failed so miserably I thought I would give it a try. There's Riley reaching to open the cupboard that houses all of our chemicals and poison. Instead of freaking out and screaming "No! No! No!" I said, "Not for Riley."

And here is Riley after I tried that approach.

He was as unimpressed with it as I was.

Jeremy the Germ

2011-11-14T15:17:00.004-07:00

“Thanksgiving is like the middle child - totally forgotten in between Halloween and X-mas.”

Doug

Re: X-mas decorating before Nov. 24

My brother and I haven’t spoken in over five years. He was pretty evil to me growing up and as an adult I don’t need that drama in my life. You love your family, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them. This story pretty much sums up our relationship.

Growing up in Devore, California, we lived on a couple of acres complete with farm animals, a barn that would blow over every few years due to the Santa Ana’s and lovely trees to build forts in. There were tons of eucalyptus trees on our property that bordered a ravine in the back of our yard. One such tree was equipped with a tire swing and provided hours of entertainment out in the country.

One afternoon my brother was grounded to the house, so I actually had the opportunity to enjoy the tire swing and not worry about Jeremy hogging it. So there I am swinging away when my brother runs up and kicks me off the tire. He was in trouble for lord knows what and had told my mother that he was going down to the barn to feed the animals, when in reality he was coming to make my life a living hell.

He jumps on top of the tire and starts swinging, and swinging, and swinging. The branch that housed the tire swing jutted out over land that sloped down into the ravine, so even though you started a few inches off the ground while swinging you could easily be 10-15 feet in the air. He was getting dangerously high but being the good sister that I was, I didn’t say a damn thing. Three minutes in, Jeremy was mid-swing when the rope breaks and there he was sprawled out like a flying squirrel plummeting onto the earth below him.

He manages the words, “Go and get moooommmmmm,” and then crashes into the ground.

Karma is as karma does, right?

Irony, a Bitter Pill to Swallow

2011-11-13T09:39:00.003-07:00

A year ago, Doug and I visited a friend and watched as her one year old daughter emptied the kitchen cupboards and dragged Tupperware from one end of the house to the other. I remember commenting that clutter was my worst nightmare. Funny that a year later I wake up to this on a daily basis and don't even bat an eyelash over it.

Manda the Medium

2011-11-08T17:44:00.006-07:00

I love me a psychic, or a medium, or a healer, or whatever the hell you want to call them. My latest goal is to set up an appointment with the Long Island Medium because the spirits in my family are cray-cray and I know for a fact that some of them are hanging around trying to get in touch with me.

Years ago when I was living in Boston I had a reading by a medium and after that my way of thinking was certainly changed. It was the 4th anniversary of my dad's death and I was getting my hair done at my friend's salon. The salon owner approached me and asked if I minded being read by one of her clients who happened to be a medium. I said of course not and will never forget the stuff she told me.

She let me know there was a male and female presence and that the female was a strong personality and wouldn't let the male presence talk. That sounded just like my dad and his mom, Grandma Nellie. She then goes on to say that the female is sorry for causing pain to my brother and embarrassing me when we were younger. I couldn't remember this for the life of me, but after talking to my mom that night, she reminded me of the time that my grandma came to stay at our house for a summer. We all went out bowling one night and my brother and I were horsing around and Grandma Nellie didn't like it and hit my brother. I was so shocked by it that I started to cry and wanted to go home immediately. Evidently that has weighed heavy on Nellie's mind because it was the first thing she thought to communicate to me after being dead for nearly 10+ years.

The medium then went on to tell me I would marry either a Bob or a Doug, and she couldn't be sure of the name but just that it was one syllable.

She also told me that I would have three boys. Three. Boys.

I remember going home that night thinking that lady was out of her mind, and yet here I am seven years later married to a Doug and already have one son. If there are two more in the works I am either going to need to up my prescription or immediately be put out of my misery.

Monday Mutterings

2011-11-07T17:47:00.004-07:00

Daylight/Standard Time

Surely the idiot that came up with this idea had no teething babies at home on a set schedule. Only on day two and I already want to kill myself.

Rain in ABQ + awesome drivers = no bueno

Drivers are already bad enough in Albuquerque that when adding rain to the mix you're guaranteed a recipe for disaster. There is never an excuse to drive 30 miles an hour in a 60 mph zone just because it's sprinkling outside. The drive tonight alone aged me in 30 angry years.

Shopping in the juniors department

No woman over 25 years old has an excuse to ever shop in the juniors department. Get your hair out of pigtail braids, stop shopping at Forever 21 and grow the heck up already.

Zoo Boo

Almost two weeks later and I am still pissed off at the tacky mothers that took their 12+ kids to the Zoo Boo. There is never an excuse to dress up as a slut when taking your children to a family-centered event. I'm fairly certain that the Zoo Boo shouldn't be the stage for your skankiness.

The Great Pee Incident

2011-11-05T09:40:00.003-06:00

Last night while washing my face, Doug comes into the bathroom and looks down at Riley and says, "Remember when you got in trouble while I was peeing?" I looked at Doug like he had lost his mind because what can an almost nine month old do to get in trouble and also because I hadn't heard this story before.

Doug proceeds to tell me how a couple of weeks ago he was peeing in the guest bathroom and didn't realize that Riley had crawled into the room. So there he was peeing in midstream when Riley was nice enough to pull himself up on the toilet and reach out to touch the stream of urine.

In Doug's own words, "I washed his hands in the sink with soap and water and lectured him on why that was so bad. I also placed him on restriction."

Cause that's going to teach a lesson.

Rockin' the Rims

2011-11-02T17:52:00.004-06:00

I think it takes a certain type of person to pull off rims such as these. I've decided that even on my best or worst day I will never be that type of person.

Pageant Parent

2011-11-01T17:48:00.007-06:00

"Do y'all want to play Freezeout?"

Doug

Re: Road trip to Wyoming

Looks like Riley's and my dream about competing in pageants is about to come true. I am sure that "party wear" in the 505 includes a bandana, fake tattoo and a onesie in Old English font. I am not sure what the heck "photogenice" is but sign us up because we are totally there!

Doug has even been practicing with Riley's baby bounce.

Hazing in the Halls

2011-10-26T17:50:00.008-06:00

God I hated high school. My mother always encouraged me to be different but seeing that high school is the land of conformity any difference is suspect for ridicule.

Mostly I hated high school because this guy made my life a living hell. Not sure what I ever personally did to him, but damn he did absolutely everything he could to make me not want to get out of bed each and every morning.

Words can cut deep and while you can certainly forgive, you will absolutely never forget. Anyone that has ever said, "Oh it's just teenager angst and how high school is supposed to be" has obviously never been tormented before. Looking back with adult eyes I see things a bit differently and decided to write an open letter to my former bully.

Dear Matt:

Hey long time no talk! I was recently thinking about all the shit you put me through in high school and thanks to Google I was able to find your whereabouts.

Remember when I cut all my hair off senior year of high school? Surely you

must because every time I passed you in the halls you would start singing "Zombie" by the Cranberries and then call me Dolores over and over again. Now that I think about it that was such a great compliment! Dolores O'Riordan has always kicked ass and damn she certainly looks good for her age.

I also fondly remember how you were with me the night I drank too much tequila and I passed out in the back of a truck. Being such a great friend instead of wanting to check to see if I was still breathing, you decided to go out and buy a disposable camera in order to capture those memories on film. Who knew way back then that scrapbooking would become such a craze and I would very much enjoy cementing those images in my memory forever! Evidently though, that wasn't enough for you because you then tried, unsuccessfully mind you, to get those pictures into the yearbook and our baccalaureate slideshow. Glad to know you had my best interests at heart!

I see now that you've also become a parent. I hope that you teach tolerance to your child and embrace them for the unique and different individual that they are. Don't continue on with the mantra that assholes raise asshole children. I also sincerely hope that no one treats your kid like you treated me.

How funny to see that you are teaching science at our former high school, Cajon High. That really must be a full-circle moment for you and way to go! Maybe if you see kids teasing one another in the halls you’ll actually step in and act as an adult and diffuse the situation. Surely as an academic you wouldn’t encourage bad behavior, right?

Well anyhoo, it was so great being able to find you after all these years and I hope you continue to mold the minds of the future.

Sincerely,

Mandy Lang

(Dolores O'Riordan)

Dander Doug

2011-10-25T11:01:00.015-06:00

"Can we watch How Not to Dress?" - D

"I think you mean What Not to Wear." - A

In the seven plus years that Doug and I have been together there are only a handful of times that I have ever seen him get angry. It usually entails people accidentally call him Dougie, saying a curse word in front of him or telling him that you believe in Global Warming. Imagine my surprise this morning when he got home from work and his first words to me were, "Amanda I am so mad right now!"

He didn't exactly look or sound mad so I asked him to tell me what happened. Now I know it's going to be an interesting conversation when he begins it with, "I am sure even YOU know this. What's the name of the closer for the Rangers?"Ummmm, Santa Claus? How the heck am I supposed to know that? Just because I have watched a few games doesn't mean I remember anything about them.

He then proceeds to say that a writer from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch wrote an article about Neftali Feliz and in it he called him "Neftali Perez" and then throughout the article kept referring to him as "Perez." Doug was irate. "Amanda that's like calling me Doug Smith instead of Doug Eldridge. How do you write sports articles for a daily newspaper and not get the name of a pitcher correct?" When in doubt, Google it.

Doug then continues on with that he didn't want to post a comment that would be considered rude (and honestly he was lazy and didn't want to create an account) so he emailed the writer instead. He then became further outraged because Joe Strauss never got back to him, but wrote a new article the following day and surprise surprise the name was correct in that one.

This anger surprised me for a number of reasons. One, not sure how this personally affects Doug's life; two, not sure why he ever expected Joe Strauss to actually write back to him, and three, how does this affect Doug again?

Does Doug get mad at the state of the economy? Nope

Does Doug get mad at my reckless driving and

questionable spending habits? Nope

Does Doug get mad at the guy who was dressed

like a Viking at Occupy Albuquerque last weekend? Nope.

Get a pitcher's name wrong though and there will be hell to pay.

The article in all of its glory:

http://www.stltoday.com/sports/baseball/professional/article_56642dd0-917e-567f-9648-4e30e77c1318.html

I wasn't aware of this until recently, but you have to vote daily for my blog on Top Mommy Blogs, so if you don't mind just clicking on the link below!

Manic Monday

2011-10-24T18:15:00.002-06:00

The OCD God has reared its ugly head once again.

Mason Merriment

2011-10-20T18:32:00.013-06:00

"I'd like to meet the girl that does all the voices."

Doug

Re: Veronica (Fisher Price toys)

I don't know if I should be horrified or happy that the Eldridge household is now receiving catalogs like this in the mail. Either I have the sign of a Redneck on my person or they somehow assume that since I am a mom I want to wear a shirt that says "Sometimes I laugh so hard I have tears running down my leg."

Either way I do know what I want for Christmas:

And it looks like Doug might find this under the tree from Santa:

Mirror Mirror

2011-10-18T17:20:00.003-06:00

This was certainly not what I expected to come home to after a long day at work. Guess I'll just add it to the growing laundry list of Riley's therapy topics.

Dr. Feelgood

2011-10-17T17:58:00.000-06:00

"Let me know if you have a dream where I'm dating a Hispanic woman because you asked me to."

Doug

Re: night night sleep tight

Throughout my pregnancy, I became slightly obsessed with my OB GYN. And when I say slightly obsessed I really just mean I looked forward to my check-ups because I liked the sound of his voice and would fantasize that outside of the hospital he wore tweed blazers and complementary sweater vests.

Looking back, I now blame it on the damn hormones because that could be the only excuse I have for my fixation on a doctor who was old enough to be my father.

My feelings for Dr. X culminated the night I went into labor. After three hours of listening to the damn midwife attempt to talk some sense into my hoohoo, Dr. X came storming into the delivery room and got down to business. He yelled at the midwife, demanded that the lights be turned on so he could see and told me how he heard I was a trooper and that things were about to get more difficult. If I wasn't on pain meds and higher then a kite, I am sure I would jumped right into his lap.

While in labor, I vaguely remember Doug mentioning that he saw Dr. X in the lobby and he was wearing his normal street clothes. In my epidural haze, I again imagined him wearing a fedora, a lovely tweed blazer and quite possibly a bow tie. That fantasy is what got me through the worst of the delivery.

Weeks later I crawled out of my PTSD haze and remembered to ask Doug about the doc's clothes. After Doug told me that Dr. X was wearing faded dad jeans and this lovely parka I dried up like a dead flower.

You Want to Drive in the 505?

2011-10-15T20:08:00.003-06:00

Albuquerque: Bringing a new whole new level of jankity to the table.

(Doug was really impressed with his artistic interpretation in the photo he took.)

Camo Comedy

2011-10-12T17:29:00.006-06:00

"I don't want to buy all my souvenirs on the first day."

Doug

Re: Shopping at Pamida in Wyoming

Doug, Riley and I just recently returned from my birthday trip to Wyoming to visit Grandma Red. The weather was a bit colder then we expected so we had to make a trip to the local Pamida to pick up a pair of fleece pajamas for Riley. Pamida, or the poor man's Walmart to some, is quite an establishment -- after leaving the store one feels some grit in their teeth and the need to immediately douse themselves in hand sanitizer.

We saw this pair of pj's and just had to have them. For one it is hunting season in Wyo and two we thought they were pretty damn funny. The clerk that checked out Doug was also a big fan. While scanning the item he said, "Glad to see you are starting him so young in John Deere green."

Now besides the fact that I didn't realize camouflage was also called "John Deere green" I think we just need to get Riley a bright orange vest and he is all set for the hunting season.

Rowdy Red

2011-10-06T16:26:00.010-06:00

Next week I am turning 32 and we are making the trip to Wyoming so Riley can visit with Grandma Red. I have spent a lot of time writing about my dad so it only makes sense that I share some zingers about my mom.

In elementary school I was teased mercifully. It got so bad that at one point my mom called up to the school and let the principal know that if he didn't handle the situation she was going to walk up there climb up on his head and shit in his face. Miraculously, the next day the teasing stopped.

She didn't know how to pump her own gas until well into the 90s.

Her breakfast used to consist of instant Folgers coffee and a couple of cigarettes.

For my 13th birthday party my mom had a Mary Kelly makeup consultant come to the house and give me and a group of girls makeovers, and then true to redneck form we all headed to the bowling alley after.

She told me I would have to buy a cemetery for all the people that I wanted to kill when I was younger.

As you can see she has had the same haircut for over 40 years now.

One day she was running to the bank on her lunch break and of course the parking lot was crazy. While she sat in a line of cars waiting for an available parking spot an impatient woman driving a Mercedes decided to park in the fire lane in front of the bank which caused even more of a backlog of traffic. When my mom finally got a spot she walked by the Mercedes and keyed the entire side of the car. She walked into the Bank with a smirk on her face and all the other drivers in the parking lot started honking and cheering my mom on.

When I was in college, I kept rolling out of my top bunk and landing on the desk in my dorm room. My mom had to call the housing office and insist they put a rail on my bed. She probably had to call them four or five times before they would agree to do it. To this day I am sure I am the only college student that had a kiddie rail on their bed.

It should now be fairly clear who I got my feistiness from.

DJ R*Dubz in the House!

2011-10-06T16:09:00.006-06:00

I am sure most parents would agree with me that this is the last thing an infant/toddler needs. Kiddo music is certainly bad enough as is that we don't need to throw hip hop and techno in the mix. What I wouldn't give to meet the idiot that came up with this creation and give him a swift kick to the rum balls.

Childhood Crush = Adult-Like Obsession

2011-10-05T13:19:00.009-06:00

Confession time.

I have been slightly Twitter stalking MPG since my Totally Hidden Video blog post. And what I mean by that is sending him the link to my post and hoping to hell he would read it. It only took a couple of times and he responded!!! I will state for the record that I read it on my lunch break and cried like I was a 12-year-old girl again at an NKOTB concert. I do have a problem when people sign emails with "best," "be well," or "cheers" but I will look past that and love him forever and always.

Rumblings of Rehab

2011-10-04T19:22:00.007-06:00

Doug finally figured out how to download the videos onto his computer from the "video taper." It was pretty refreshing to come across this little entertaining number. I have easily watched it over twenty times now and just when you think it cannot get any better wait until the last four seconds.

Clothing Caution

2011-10-03T17:36:00.004-06:00

"I also had beans and a potato chip with it."

Doug

Re: Lunch

Who says you can't eat just one?

It saddens me that I live in a world where a warning like this is necessary.

The Bird is the Word

2011-10-01T06:38:00.006-06:00

Like mother....

Like daughter:

We were a classy bunch.

Please withhold judgement on the at-home perm I was sporting at the time.

Dumb and Dumber

2011-09-30T17:38:00.005-06:00

"Doug that shirt has really shrunk on you." - A

"No I've just gotten bigger." - D

Re: sure you have

I came home to find the below pictures on our kitchen table. Riley hasn't fit in that outfit for weeks now so I have no idea where the hell this picture was taken or why. I will say that Doug loves the movie Dumb and Dumber, but I still don't think that explains the photo booth montage.

Stinky the Binky

2011-09-28T18:34:00.007-06:00

Riley loves him some paci. He eats, breathes and sleeps with that damn thing. While I may have accepted the fact that he is going to start preschool with it, I haven't accepted the fact that the cost of his orthodontic care is going to be through the roof.

I clean it every other day with soap and hot water and yet I caught a whiff of it this morning and nearly projectile vomited all over Riley in his crib. It is a stench that is almost nearly as bad as his dirty diapers.

In the one baby book we read, the doctor/mother said that pacifiers are pointless after six months. According to her, at six months the baby has developed their self-soothing skills and the need to suck isn't that great. I think this is the only tidbit of information that Doug retained when he skimmed over the book. Every week leading up to Riley turning six months old Doug would remind him that he was one day closer to losing his best friend. Here we are eight months later and the best friend is here to stay.

He likes to sleep with one paci hanging halfway out of his mouth and another in his hand.

If we take an afternoon excursion and forget his paci guaranteed we'll have to cut the trip short.

He once went to bed with his Pinky Binky and woke up with a totally different one in his mouth. Pinky Binky has never been seen since.

Bad Hair Year

2011-09-28T17:24:00.004-06:00

Pretty sure it goes without saying that 1999 wasn't my best year.

Smile, You're About to be Humiliated

2011-09-27T17:33:00.004-06:00

So in the Spring of 91' I was lucky or unlucky enough to be taped for an episode of Totally Hidden Video. Good luck ever finding it -- not even sure it ever aired to be honest -- but my life was forever changed after that event. My memories might have faded quite a bit since college and childbirth killed my brain, but this is how I fondly remember that day.

The guise was that with our 6th grade graduation right around the corner, my childhood friend Amy and her family was renting a limo and we were going to a mall in LA for some shopping and lunch with another one of our friends, Brieanna.

As we headed to the restaurant Amy's family let us know they would be joining us later because they needed to run by a jewelry store to pick up a necklace that they had ordered for her.

While we were being seated, my 12-year-old self found it odd that a HUGE restaurant was completely empty save for the balcony that they were taking us to (clue #1 that some shit was about to do down).

On the way to our table, the hostess could not stop complimenting Amy on her outfit and it really made me want to punch that d-list actress in her face.

Brieanna and I were of the low blood-sugar type and immediately started eating the bread at the table. Little did we know that (a) we got butter all the heck over ourselves, and (b) it was a prop and not meant to be eaten.

We of course start gossiping and call a girl in our class a slut. What defines a 12-year-old slut is beyond me, but leave it up to me to tell it like it is (was?) at such a young age.

Amy disappears to use the restroom and in walks Mark Paul Gosselaar and I officially shit my pants.

Of course my right pit started to sweat instantly (thanks puberty) and MPG launches in to this schpeel about how he and Amy are dating (clue #2 something was smelling fishy) and that he needed to figure out a way to break it off with her.

Being a loudmouth from day one, I start to call his bluff and remind him over and over again that he is 18 and Amy is 12. No bueno.

MPG then begins pointing at his wrist and asking if any of us have the time. He continually states that he has to go or he is going to be late. Little did he know that I was a THV fan and had recently watched an episode with Chad Allen where he did the same exact thing (Clue #3).

MPG runs off and Amy comes back from the restroom and tries to convince us that they are in fact dating. It then clicks that we have to be on the show and I start to look around. There is a mirror at a table facing me and a mirror behind me. Damn.

I threaten to pour water over Amy's head if she doesn't tell us the truth.

MPG runs back in and I figure now is my only chance to get his autograph so I dig through my purse to get a pad of paper and pen. What a loser. Did I ever get his autograph? Double loser.

I start to kick Brieanna under the table to get her to ask if we are on THV because words have evidently escaped me (or I realized that we had just called a classmate a slut and it was recorded for national television).

Brieanna asks the million dollar question and MPG says the magic words, "Smile you're on Totally Hidden Video."

I wanted to crawl under the table and DIE.

We were then escorted into a back room and asked to sign our life away in a mountain of release forms.

The director let us know (me especially) that he would need to do some serious "editing" before it was going to be aired.

Lucky for us the show was canceled before then.

Bromance or Romance?

2011-09-26T13:17:00.010-06:00

Sorting through a pile of crap in my closet, I came across this subtle reminder of what a romantic I married.

Nothing says I love you like a Homer Simpson drinking beer birthday card.

In case you cannot read what Doug wrote, it says, "(or at least as much as beer.)"

Bouncing Baby Boy

2011-09-24T06:12:00.000-06:00

Lesson Learned: Riley can bounce for hours and just when you think he is going to stop, he keeps going and going and going.

Battle Bummer

2011-09-22T18:13:00.005-06:00

I can officially add neurotic to my list. I asked Doug to pick up after Riley and I had to restack after seeing the rings like this:

Pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I am fighting a losing battle against the OCD.

Please don't forget to keep voting for me!

Free at Last

2011-09-20T18:15:00.007-06:00

"I can tell you want to do it because you didn't put your bite guard in."

Doug

Re: Sex as parents

One short lunch hour spent running to the Babies R Us, almost hitting a gaggle of crackheads on Eubank and $75 later, I have freedom.

He doesn't appear to be suffering as of yet.

Family Firsts

2011-09-19T17:38:00.013-06:00

A moustache tells you how to dress."

Doug

Re: Moustache Friday

Another weekend of firsts for the Eldridge family.

Doug participated in the Santa Fe Thunder half marathon on Sunday. He placed 60th overall with a time of 1:35:37. So proud of him for completing his first of many marathons. Up next month, Duke City!

I will never travel without Sleepy Lambie again. Two in the morning Riley wanted him and we had left him at home. Never again.

Riley prefers to stick his entire arm in the dog's water bowls.

I am no longer cleaning the house the night before our lovely nanny Tyche comes. I am pretty sure she doesn't give a crap if there are piles of dog hair all over the house.

I have clocked 25 miles easy by chasing a seven-month old crawler.

Any hotel we stay at moving forward I will do an entire sweep of the room before setting Riley down on the ground. Ten minutes into our stay I notice Riley chewing on something. I stick my finger in his mouth only to discover he was noshing on a closed safety pin. That probably aged

me another five years. So now I am almost 32, I look 52 and I feel about 102.

Our second round of baby proofing has failed.

We very well may have the happiest baby on the planet.

The Dick behind Dickie Bob

2011-09-15T18:25:00.008-06:00

"I just wanted to see how your bow tie was doing?"

Doug

Re: Tie Tuesday

This picture was taken in 1990 on a trip my parents took to Europe. My dad was standing in front of the Eiffel Tower and if he didn't just scream redneck American, I am not sure what would. As a kid he embarrassed the absolute living hell out of me, but as an adult, I can look back with much appreciation for everything he did for us and know that he forever changed my life. Many of you were lucky enough to meet this fiery redneck before he lost the battle to cancer. For those of you that didn't, here are a few of my favorite Dickie Bob memories.

He was a milkman in downtown LA for over 25 years. His customers all called him the "Crazy Honky" but when he first got sick they all came out of the woodwork to pay their respects.

He smelled like Old Spice, spoiled milk and moustache wax.

He served in the Air Force and for years I would wear one of his jackets and proudly brag to my friends that there was a bullet hole in the sleeve. Turned out just to be a cigarette burn instead.

When my brother and I were kids and growing up in Southern California my dad drove to the local mountains just so he could fill up the bed of his pickup truck with snow so we could have a white X-mas. On the way home he stopped at a 7-Eleven to buy a Pepsi and saw some guy dressed up as Santa out front. He paid him $20 to come to our house and pretend to be the real thing. Imagine our surprise waking up X-mas morning to snow and Santa in our front yard. It was the best X-mas ever.

At my high school graduation he was the one in the stands blowing an air horn and ringing a cowbell. To this day I still have that cowbell.

He called me babydoll, my mom Red, and my brother germ.

When friends used to call my house in high school my dad would give them the number to the local bowling alley. That was usually where I could be found.

His favorite team of all time were the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

You either loved him or hated him. There was absolutely no middle ground.

Saying goodbye to him was the one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but his memory is kept alive when I see bits of him in Riley.

Are you there God?

2011-09-14T18:45:00.002-06:00

Bringing lazy to a whole new level:

Follow That Truck!

2011-09-12T17:14:00.006-06:00

I'm going to add this to my "Many Uses of Duct Tape" list.

Ghetto is as ghetto does.

Thanks for the contribution Sarah!

Oldie But Goodie

2011-09-11T10:27:00.004-06:00

"One good thing about Riley becoming a Jehovah is it's going to save us a lot of money on his birthday."

Doug

Because of this picture, I foresee Riley getting us back with hellacious tattoos, a god-awful eyebrow ring and years of therapy.

Comic Communication

2011-09-10T08:00:00.000-06:00

I read this email the first time and giggled.

I read it a second time and snorted.

The third time I peed my pants.

Hint O' Halloween

2011-09-08T06:03:00.009-06:00

For Halloween Riley is going to be:

a. candy corn

b. a chicken

c. a pumpkin

d. none of the above

e. all of the above

Baby Proofing Bologna

2011-09-07T17:31:00.009-06:00

This past weekend was full of firsts for the Eldridge family. Riley is starting to get a tooth, we had to lower his mattress in his crib so he wouldn't do a header into the ground and he has started crawling all over the damn house.

Our big outing of the weekend was making the trek to Babies"R"Us so they could suck the life out of me and we could begin the baby proofing. Two hours later, we left with only buying electrical outlet covers.

After reading these features on the package I want to call bologna on the manufacturers.

Feature 1:

Made of Ultra Clear material so as not to attract babies' attention.

As the photo to the right demonstrates -- BOLOGNA.

Feature 2:

12 pack -- Extra long prongs for a more secure fit.

You don't need 12 you need more like 112. I didn't put them in one of the outlets in the hall because I didn't think Riley would be crawling that far, and yet he proved me wrong this morning.

Feature 3:

Specially designed removal slot - makes it easy for adults to remove plug.

This is a L-I-E. I had to use a flathead screwdriver to get one out of an outlet and almost killed myself doing so.

Let the joys of baby proofing begin.

Honey I'm Home!

2011-09-06T18:19:00.003-06:00

Came home from work to this gentle but firm reminder:

Not too sure who the intended recipient is supposed to be.

Graffiti in the Desert Part II

2011-09-05T14:59:00.006-06:00

"It was downhill for me and Diane Lane after that."

Doug

Re: Unfaithful

Signs of Fall in New Mexico are all over. School is back in session, your swamp cooler actually does its job of cooling off your house a few degrees, you can smell chilies roasting in Walmart parking lots and then you find this little gem on your evening walk.

Only in the high desert is putting rocks in a cage considered "decorative" but since it's also a surface, the local thugs feel the need to tag it up as well.

Sweating to the Simpsons

2011-09-01T15:31:00.007-06:00

Five hours into my eleven hour labor, Doug thought it would be a good idea to bring up an episode of The Simpsons. Typically this is off limits. After almost seven years together, Doug can pretty much equate any story in our life to a Simpsons' episode so I had to put the kibosh on it. Evidently with enough drugs in me to fell a small horse, I permitted it this one time.

Since Riley wouldn't come out in a timely fashion, Doug thought this particular episode hit close to home.

Baby Food Bucket List

2011-08-31T18:01:00.005-06:00

"You look like Sarah Jessica Parker without your shirt on."

Doug

Re: Compliment or insult?

Motherhood: Eating a delicious jar of baby food and not evening thinking twice about it.

Don't knock it till you try it.

Shining Star

2011-08-30T16:13:00.009-06:00

Everyone has a moment. For Doug, his happened this past weekend.

A little back story first. For Father's Day this year I got Doug a microbrew of the month club and Riley got him this:

Doug absolutely loves this iPhone case. He uses it all the time and has no problem with praising its virtues. He is even afraid of getting a new iPhone because he doesn't know if the case will fit.

So there he was last Saturday night at a fantasy football draft party. The guy sitting next to him said he needed a bottle opener. Doug hands him his phone.

The guy says, "I think you are mistaken."

And Doug replies, "Turn it over."

After turning the phone over, there was a look of shock on his face which was then met with total amazement. Excitement ensued as the rest of the room was brought into the loop. People were ecstatic and Doug was a hero.

It was his moment.

Now at two in the morning when he got home and woke me up to tell me about it, I didn't care so much about his damn moment.

Bathing Beauty

2011-08-29T17:55:00.003-06:00

We recently bought Riley the dreambaby bath seat since he has outgrown his bath sling.

All I gotta say is if they had stuff like this for adults I would take baths daily and would most likely never get out. Give me the bath seat, some candles and a bottle of wine and I am all set for the night.

Marital Mishap

2011-08-28T18:29:00.003-06:00

I am sure that many a marriage has ended over much less then this:

First Love.

2011-08-27T18:46:00.005-06:00

This is Veronica.

She is a gift from Grandma Red in Wyoming.

Veronica is Riley's first girlfriend.

I am pretty sure Veronica is considered an e-reader for babies.

Wherever Riley goes, Veronica goes.

She is teaching Riley how to count to four.

We have already been through two sets of batteries just so Veronica can keep singing to R-Dub.

Veronica spent a few days at Tia Janine's and I am pretty sure Janine had a good time with her too.

My biggest fear is that Riley is going to be five years old and taking Veronica with him to his first day of school.

Creativity Challenge Complete!

2011-08-25T17:58:00.003-06:00

"How do you know I don't have skills?" - Doug

"Well to start, you chew your aspirin." Amanda

Re: Oldie but goodie circa 2006

A month of blogging everyday certainly has put things into perspective for me. A few things I have learned over the past several months:

I am not like most moms.
I think I love Doug even more now.
It is possible to recover from childbirth and start to feel human again.
I say things that are on most people's minds.
Spinach baby food is some of the nastiest stuff on the face of the planet.
Living in Albuquerque will always produce a constant stream of new blog posts.
Mothers are the most judged group of people out there.
Doug gets a bit paranoid when he sees me bring out my digital camera now.
Babies can heal old family wounds.
Having super sonic mommy hearing has its perks.
I absolutely one hundred percent HATE dirty diapers.
And according to Doug, "You can win a free vacation without even leaving your house."

And now to be a bit lame. I recently joined TopMommyBlogs.com and need your votes and support. I am trying to see if I can make it in the Blogger's world. Please copy and paste my blog link into a new browser (going to it from Facebook won't count) and click on the TopMommyBlogs icon on the upper right corner or down below. All you have to do is click to vote. Thank you all!

I might take a little break, but I'll be back soon!

Stalking Solicitor

2011-08-24T17:42:00.009-06:00

"I need you to put mouthwash in and meet me in the bedroom."

Doug

Re: Really now

In this day in age I don't answer my front door unless I am expecting someone. Doug on the other hand, will absolutely talk to anyone and he welcomes any and all solicitors to our home.

A few weeks ago I came home from work and noticed this on our kitchen counter.

I proceed to ask Doug about it and boy does it unfold into a story.

There was a knock on our door and after answering, Doug was asked if he could take a quick survey about the environment. He was then asked three simple questions.

"Do you believe the air quality in New Mexico is bad?" No.

"Do you believe there is more the state can do to help the quality of air?" No.

"Are you doing enough to help with the air quality?" Yes. (Don't get me started on the fact that Doug doesn't believe in global warming or recycling, so I'll save that for another story.)

The woman then tells Doug that he will be entered into a free raffle to win $500 worth of gas. She leaves and we go about our business.

The next day they call and leave us a message letting us know that we have won a daily raffle. Doug then decides to Google the company name and read the consumer reviews. Shocking to find out they are scam artists and it's a credit scheme. They continue to call Doug every few days and he never picks up and soon enough forgets about it.

A couple of weeks later we are shopping in Costco and Doug's phone rings. "It's a 505 number that I don't recognize," he says. He makes the mistake of answering it and then is on the phone for the next 20 minutes with said scam artists.

We had won a vacation and they wanted to come over to give us our prize. "How can you just give us a free vacation?" Doug asked. Of course there were a few exceptions. We both had to be present at the house (how did they even know about me?) and we had to sit through a demonstration. We didn't have to buy what they were selling and the woman was nice enough to let us know that the salesperson would get paid on the presentation alone and not on whether or not we bought the product.

I then hear Doug scheduling a time for them to come over the following week and I look at him like he has lost his mind. He finishes up the call and I immediately start sweating imagining the situation he has gotten us into.

"Amanda," he says. "We won a raffle. The prize includes vacation packages everywhere -- as far away as Hawaii and even locally if we want."

In Doug's mind it was perfectly normal to (a) accept their bullshit story and (b) sit through some God-awful demonstration in our home and continue to say no just so we can get a three-night stay in Ruidoso, New Mexico. Ummmm, thanks but not thanks.

505 Pride

2011-08-23T17:35:00.002-06:00

Yet another reason I am glad I birthed a New Mexican.

http://www.koat.com/r/28938722/detail.html

Hangin' in the Hood Part II

2011-08-22T18:36:00.000-06:00

Just a typical day in the Eldridge neighborhood. Especially if you consider an elderly woman walking down the street with a big ass Cockatoo on your shoulder typical.

Shanny the Manny

2011-08-21T08:17:00.000-06:00

"Eat some yogurt and then eat some medicine."

Doug

Re: Doug's infamous headache cure all

It dawned on me recently that I never told you all about my friendship with the Manny.

So in no particular order this is what I know and love about the Manny.

She is my favorite lesbian.

At any given time she can tell you the value of a troy ounce of gold or silver.

One afternoon was spent with her trying to convince me to join the local roller derby team.

She loves her some antiquing.

Don't get her started on the evils of Bank of America.

She very well may dislike ABQ as much as I do.

She introduced me to my favorite game Left Right Center.

Growing up she invented a holiday in her family known as "Little Girls Day."

After an audit by the IRS I would consider her a staunch conspiracy theorist.

She has only child tendencies.

There may or may not be a safety deposit box out there chock-full of cash after a bout of slight paranoia.

She sure loves her some R-Dub.

What Not to Wear

2011-08-20T21:06:00.005-06:00

Doug comes to me this afternoon and let's me know he has put together three outfits as options that he can wear to our company outing. What one do you think I picked?

d. None of the above.

Sexist Small Talk

2011-08-19T20:13:00.004-06:00

I am pretty sure this quote sums us up as people:

"Am I sexist because I think that woman has no right driving that big ass truck?" - Amanda

"It was a woman?" - Doug

"Yep." - Amanda

"No wonder she didn't use her blinker." - Doug

Safety First

2011-08-18T18:49:00.004-06:00

Doug's version of child proofing.

Google Gaffes Part II

2011-08-17T11:08:00.000-06:00

"I have one if I smile really big."

Doug

Re: A dimple

There are a few items to note with this latest batch of Google searches. The first is again I am very appreciative that these readers were able to come across my blog. The second is that there are some seriously sick puppies in this world. I cannot think of a single instance where I would need to Google the terms "penis, vagina, poop and pee." But hey, different strokes for different folks I guess. Lastly, to the individual that continued to search for "husbands skid marks" for three days in a row, I really hope you found the solution to your problem.

Mommy Mannerisms

2011-08-16T10:37:00.007-06:00

"I don't do baby food."

Doug

Re: No taste test for him.

You know you're a mom if:

You find a hair of questionable length growing out of the side of your face.

You have dry heaved and/or cried over one of your infant's dirty diapers.

It has been longer then six months since you last went to the movies.

You hear a baby crying two doors down and you know it's not yours.

You ask your husband for 15 minutes alone in the bathroom for some peace and quiet and to get the job done.

Your leg hair is long enough to braid.

Your son seeks his revenge for introducing meat into his diet the following day in three horrifically awful dirty diapers.

You cannot get the songs from Mary Poppins out of your head.

You feel like you have aged 10 years and you look like you have aged 20.

Tenacious Toes

2011-08-15T17:41:00.008-06:00

"Do you hear me swimming?"

Doug

"Sure do."

Karen

Re: Humoring Doug by watching his home movies

Judging from the picture above, I am pretty sure that Doug's grooming skills have taken a turn for the worse.

I guess it's time to restate the ground rules for Grooming 101.

If your toenails are long enough to chew on it must be time to trim them.
Don't take up jogging in shoes that are seven years old and obviously a couple of sizes too small as evident from the bruised toes.
Pumice stone = your new best friend
Please don't wear flip flops ever again.
Foot cream should be used in excess.
If you ever want to get frisky again, please wear socks.

Text Fail

2011-08-14T15:41:00.003-06:00

I don't know about you, but I adamantly refuse to become the family that sends texts to one another from the other room in the same damn house.

An Open Letter

2011-08-13T20:17:00.010-06:00

"I have been eating a lot of pork lately, but it is Ramadan."

Doug

Re: Holy eating habits

Dear Riley --

Today you turned six months old and I cannot believe we survived it. From the sleep deprivation, crazy-ass hormones and the general lack of knowledge I had on how to care for a newborn it is amazing that I am not locked up somewhere from losing my shit. You have changed my life in such a way that I didn't even realize was possible. Your dad and I promise to continue to do everything we can to give you the best life possible and only embarrass you on a few special occasions.

For the time being I can promise you this:

I will never ever feed you food that looks the same going in as it does going out.

I will never buy or force you to wear Crocs.

I promise to not cry on your first day of school.

I will try to not get into a fight with the other moms at your soccer games.

If you are embarrassed that I have to drive you to school, I will drop you off a block away so your friends won't see me.

Your dad and I will never ever try to understand your music and/or like it.

I won't let your dad ever show you his favorite dance moves in front of you and your friends.

If the latest must-have X-mas toy requires me to stand in line at Best Buy for 24 hours, I'll do it.

I will celebrate you victories and commiserate your losses.

We will attempt to make puberty less horrifying then it actually is.

Your dad will teach you have to shave and since I have road-rage, he'll teach you have to drive too.

At your high school graduation I'll be ringing a cowbell in the stands just like your granddad did for me at mine.

We'll go and look at every single college you are serious about attending.

And more then anything I promise to love you forever.

Vicious Veggies

2011-08-12T20:27:00.005-06:00

In case anyone was wondering how Riley felt about his evening dinner of carrots.

A Dietary Dislike

2011-08-10T17:52:00.005-06:00

"If you put a bottle of wine in front of him, he'll want to drink it."

Doug

Re: R-Dub bottle confusion

Here's a picture of our fridge.

We are obviously not Foodies. I call us NoFoodies.

Food is not an enjoyment but a necessity.

The Food Channel is my worst nightmare.

I have a very small window of time that when I get hungry I need to eat or I will punch someone in the face.

If you came over to my house right now and asked me to make you an impromptu meal it would consist of two-year old elbow macaroni, a couple beef bouillon cubes and a can of cheddar cheese soup.

Doug makes me carry a fruit leather in my purse at all times.

I can leave a slice of cake in the fridge for weeks and forget about it.

In college my snack of choice was Nutella. To this day I cannot even smell it or look at it without dry heaving just a bit.

I was making dinner the other night and didn't have enough milk for the recipe and I seriously considered using some of Riley's formula.

Simpleminded Sibling

2011-08-09T18:35:00.005-06:00

"A family of natives just walked in."

Doug

Re: Wrong on so many levels

Many of you might not even know that I have an older brother since I don't talk about him much. He may or may not be a sociopath and/or serial killer so I try to keep the stories about him to a minimum. This one is too good to pass up though.

Years ago when I was in high school I was introduced to Ban de Soleil self tanner and my life has never been the same since. Regardless of the season and time of the year, I used that stuff like it was going out of style.

One year over Christmas break my brother had come home from college and since he wasn't speaking to me, he asked my mom why my legs were so tan. There happened to be a full mom out and my mom told him that at night after everybody went to bed I would go into the backyard and lay out in the hammock for some "moon tanning."

Swear to God two days later we caught my brother in the hammock in the backyard trying to do a little "moon tanning" himself. Now that I think of it, maybe he isn't smart enough to be a sociopath and/or serial killer.

Diaper Duties

2011-08-08T17:40:00.002-06:00

Betcha didn't know that a onesie could be used as a gas mask in a pinch?

Garage Door Grumblings

2011-08-08T10:11:00.009-06:00

"Usually when you drink a lot you aren't that happy."

Doug

Re: Twins' 5th birthday party + margarita machine = good times

This garage door opener has caused us more problems then it's worth. Case in point from this little ditty that occurred yesterday morning.

Our dear friends Karen and Jeff had stayed with us over the weekend after making a two-day trek down to ABQ from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. They came to meet Baby Doug and disembarked Sunday to continue their road trip to Phoenix and eventually Southern California. After they left that morning, Doug went back to bed and I started preparing for our next house guest (my mother) that gets into town this Wednesday.

A few hours later we are getting ready to leave the house to go to the grocery store and notice that the garage door was open. Doug immediately starts to panic and scans the garage for an immediate inventory check. Instead of worrying if the baby strollers or the expensive lawn equipment was taken, Doug looks only for his skis and to our luck finds them. He then starts to wonder how long the garage has been open and who could possibly have opened it (our house guests had left through the front door). I let him know that the neighborhood security would have knocked on our door if they had seen it open last night while they were patrolling and since it didn't look like anything was taken, let's get over it and move on.

Hours later I am laying down to take a nap and ask Doug to take the clothes out of the drier when they are done and put them on the guest bed. After taking a short nap I thank him for folding the clothes and he says, "Oh, I figured out why the garage door was open. It seems one of us had left the garage door opener in our pockets so it went through the wash. Don't worry though it still works."

One of us? I wear clothes that have pockets large enough to fit a garage door opener in them? Interesting.

Slow-Moving Sunday

2011-08-07T17:47:00.002-06:00

Even God rested on the seventh day.

Jolly Jeffisms

2011-08-06T20:42:00.002-06:00

This is Jeff. Jeff is my best friend Karen's husband. He is the Canadian version of Doug. He broke the cardinal rule of the house by quoting an episode of the Simpsons. This is my favorite Jeffism of the trip.

"What kid doesn't have a picture of themselves passed out at an adult party with a bunch of empties all around them?"

Certainly not this one Jeff.

Mom Must-Haves

2011-08-05T22:04:00.006-06:00

"I am actually watching myself drink a beer underwater."

Doug

Re: Video Taper

I found the following items in my purse while cleaning it out the other night. I do not know this person.

1. One lone diaper

2. Hair treatment mask

3, Re: Quote Book

4. Two Carmex chapsticks

5. Humphrey's Teething Pellets

Lazy-ass Laborers

2011-08-04T18:54:00.006-06:00

"The problem with thin crust pizza is I like crust."

Doug

Re: The Great Pizza Debate

I work in a two-story office building. The people that insist on taking the elevator in said office building also double-fist a coke and a coffee at 7:30 in the morning and chain smoke like a champ.

And they wonder why they are fat. *Sigh*

Shattered Surprises Part 2

2011-08-03T17:41:00.010-06:00

"I've always wanted to have foot sex."

Drunk Doug

Re: Couldn't even tell you if I knew

After this last let-down of a surprise, I'm always leery when Doug begins a conversation with, "I have a surprise for you." He then proceeds to show me his latest hobby:

I truthfully don't ever remember specifying that I wanted a video camera but I thanked him for thinking about me and figured we would forget about it soon enough and it would sit in a drawer for the next six months. Boy was I wrong.

Doug carries it with him wherever he goes.
He calls it his "video taper."
He recruited help when researching the best camera to buy since he is technologically-challenged.
I came home from work one day to Doug letting me know he taped Riley's dirty diaper change and I could watch it if I wanted. Ummm, no.
He still hasn't figured out how to install the software on our computer so he remains satisfied with just watching the videos on the camera itself.
He made sure to buy a water-proof camera (up to 10-feet mind you) since we live in the desert and frequent large bodies of water so often.
Doug spent hours looking for the perfect camera before settling on one that bears a strong resemblance to a phone.
He may or may not have taken it into the shower with him.
Doug tapes shit that no one else on the face of the planet would ever get enjoyment out of watching. There is a two-minute video of a beetle that was floating in his parent's pool. Riveting stuff I tell you. We have a Scorsese in the making.

I give this latest hobby two months tops.

Hangin' in the Hood

2011-08-02T18:38:00.007-06:00

"I had a funny joke but you keeping talking."

Dapper Doug

Re: Sleep-deprived Thursdays

So this idiot lives down the street from me and then I have this royal pain in the ass living across from me. Life certainly cannot get any better then this.

Google Gaffe

2011-08-01T17:42:00.012-06:00

"I don't want to be touched sexually when I first wake up."

Doug

Re: Cause that's what I was doing

I want to welcome my new readers from South Yorkshire, Connecticut, Washington and Virginia. I am pretty sure that you happened across my blog by accident, but I welcome ye, and hope you eventually found what you were searching for.

Advertising Achievement

2011-07-31T17:36:00.003-06:00

I am sure Bert and his peons thought long and hard before coming up with this gem of a slogan.

Boy's Club

2011-07-30T16:26:00.002-06:00

It was evidently a pants optional day for the Eldridge men.